Travels with Our Trachie
Session Eleven: Looking Back
You would assume that having toe to thigh casts on both legs would dampen a child’s spirit, but not our girl. Somehow, she was all smiles. That girl’s perseverance and joy inspires me every day. There was even an unexpected benefit that came from her four weeks in leg casts, it was the catalyst to her being able to sit unassisted. It was a shining moment during a month that typically caused me great emotional pain.
The month of May was when we found out our unborn child had a fatal condition and when I faced my darkest days. An immense depression consumed me for several weeks, and I’m tremendously grateful that, through the grace of God, I was able to escape the grasp it had on my life. But the damage that ensued during those days left a lasting emotional scar. I had been devoured by fear, anger, and hopeless despair.
I have no idea if it’s a healthy practice, but every May since that devasting month in 2015, I reflect on that place of darkness. As a writer, I go back to dark places a lot in sharing the story of my soul, but once a year, I make a point to acknowledge my “lowest point” and remind myself that I didn’t let it conquer me. Personally, I need that reminder, I need to look back. Not a looking back with longing for days gone by, but looking back through the lens of faith.
In the moment, I usually can’t see God and it’s easy to be consumed with hopelessness. As I journal our life, it is mostly looking back on those painful moments and seeing them with a lens I didn’t have in the moment. I continually ask the Holy Spirit to help me grow, to open my eyes to lessons I have learned, and to point me to God’s presence through the storms.
For me, looking back helps me move forward. It’s one of the things that motivates me to be better. That year, while our daughter was in leg casts, I decided to do something proactive for myself in honor of our daughter. I pushed myself to train for a 5K that I ran that summer. As soon as we returned home from her leg surgery, I pulled out the marker and wrote, “I will walk” on the heel of the cast. Those words inspired me to run. The Siren Sounder 5K benefited the volunteer fire department, who had responded to our several 911 calls when our daughter had been in respiratory distress.
I didn’t place well in the 5K, but I finished, and I felt accomplished that I traveled those three short miles, even at my rather slow pace. (Though not accomplished enough to ever try it again!) I realize running a 5K is not a tremendous endeavor, however, we have realized that the little steps, the little milestones, and the little victories are magnified in Christ.
“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”
― Mother Teresa
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